Atheist Network

Today I opened up a box of Quaker instant oatmeal, and was rewarded with a comedic goldmine not seen since the golden age of Laffy Taffy.

(highlight for the hilarious punchline!)

Q. What did the Martian say to the rosebush?
A. "Take me to your weeder!"

Q. What do astronauts like on their sandwiches?
A. Launch meat!

Q. Why was the chicken pulled from the game?
A. Because he hit too many fowl balls!

...

Add your own, or I'm just gonna subject you to more oatmeal-based humor.

Q. Why did Lagoon Creature miss the party?
A. He was swamped!

More jokes from the oatmeal file:

Q. What's okay to serve but not to eat?
A. A tennis ball!

Q. If you were a spy, what kind of shoes would you wear?
A. Sneakers!

Q. What kind of frog can jump higher than a telephone pole?
A. Any kind of frog. Telephone poles can't jump!

Q. Why was the goldfish afraid of the computer?
A. He didn't want to get caught in the Internet!

Q: Why LC determined to post jokes from his oatmeal?
A: Because he's gritty!

Q: Why won't the other AN members post puns?
A: Because they are cowards.

And because he likes being gruel to us.

-----


One of my nephew's favourites:

Q: What swings from cake to cake and smells of almonds?
A: Tarzipan

Q) How do ducks learn to fly?
A) They just wing it!

There is a Brothel at the top of a hill.

There are three men.

One coming down the hill, one going up the hill, and one in the Brothel.

What are their Nationalities?

The one coming down is Finnish.
The one going up is Russian.
The one inside is a Himalayan.

Q: What is the most disagreeable animal?

A: The horse because all it says is neigh


^-- my 9yr old made that one up.

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

Q: What do vegetarian zombies eat?

A: Graaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiins


Q: What is the zombies favorite weather?

A: Raaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin

What do you normally get hanging from banana trees?






























Sore arms....

Jonathon Ross has been arrested for shoplifting. He was caught in possession of stolen kitchen utensils. He stated 'I thought it was a whisk worth taking!'

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well...It's Not Unusual."

A man wakes up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouts to the doctor, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!!"
The doctor replies, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

Q: Why do some flower lovers want everyone in every country to drive pink cars?

A: Because they really like pink carnations

Q: Why did the dog get arrested outside the butcher shop?

A: He got caught chop-lifting

A few from Pun of the Day.

- People who plug their computer keyboards into hi-fi systems aren't idiots. That would be stereotyping.

- I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

- Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

- I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

- There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said 'Keep off the Grass'.

- A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

- He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.

- It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

- Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

- Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

- Some people's noses and feet are built backwards: their feet smell and their noses run.

- There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.

- Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

- To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

- A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

- A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'.

- Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

- I decided that becoming a vegetarian was a missed steak.

- What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.

- When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

^ Some good ones in that list.


Two cows are hanging out together in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.